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5/24/2012
I’ve decided to disappear. For a while. Not speaking to anyone. Not logging onto anything. I’m just done. With it all. With everyone. And their problems. And my problems. And I’m tired of people seeing something in me that I can’t, which only hurts them in the end. And I’m tired of hurting. And harming. And just tired of breathing. I’m going to throw myself into movies and books. I need to. So. Goodbye.
5/23/2012
It’s been about 2 1/2 weeks since I last had an episode. I just had one. *sigh* I always feel so detached and drained afterwords… I almost passed out, again. I hate when it happens… But…I have good news. A guy, who lives HERE likes ME. He likes…this person, right here. Ahh!! He likes you John. :) But, I’m scared… Because what if we continue down this path, eventually I’m going to have to tell him about the episodes…cause I don’t want to have one while out with him and have him wondering what the hell is going on. *sigh* He’s really nice, though. He’d probably be very understanding and caring. I just hope this goes well. I really like him… Could be the start of something. ♥ Try to stay positive, John. You can do this. Everything will be just fine. We will be just fine. I promise. *hugs you* For the love of fuck… The lady was going to call me with the results for my psych testing. My fucking phone isn’t on. FUCK MY LIFE. I don’t know if she has my house phone number. *sigh* Mednes Rea in full effect. The more I try to push you out of my dreams… The more you invade. I’m more afraid than I let on. All the information I got this week concerning him… the DNA. his kid. and then the dream. It just sent me into a whirlwind panic attack. And I sobbed. And I am afraid he’s going to come after me. If he doesn’t get persecuted… I’m afraid for my own safety. I don’t like feeling this vulnerable. I keep…. I just…. I had two bad dreams… I remember the end of one, my sister… There was a doorway, I went to open it. I opened it and she was standing there with a gun and it was pointed at me. She was going to shoot me. I woke right before she pulled the trigger. The second…was of him. I hate dreaming of him. We were in this…house I think with many rooms. And it was a dream that expanded days. He was coming for me. He was planning on getting me. He kept touching me. Going near me. Talking to me. I didn’t want to be near him or for him to touch me or walk near me. He kept trying to touch me in places I didn’t want him to touch me in. My Dad was there…and he went after him. My Dad went after him. I keep getting this feeling that I’m going to wake up…this is all a dream. I’m going to wake up and he’s going to be standing over me…and he’s going to get me. I know he’s locked up but, they are still waiting for the DNA to come back. I do not understand what is taking so fucking long. If he walks… I’m in trouble. I know I am. I learned that the girl he got knocked up while he was here…before he… before he raped my sister… She was pregnant, she was going to abort the baby. Her mother doesn’t believe in abortions so she’s kept it. Almost due to have the baby. She might give it up for adoption. She already has a child that is almost one that she takes care of… I feel so sorry for that child…for the other kids. Their Daddy… I’m just so afraid. I’m afraid of all the males in my family, even my own father. I always have been but the recent events have amplified it. My biggest fear is that I’m going to get raped, myself. He almost succeeded… How do I know it won’t happen again…and this time be “successful?” I’m so afraid. Eos/Mednes Rea/Johniece/Irritus I’m not suicidal. I just want to sleep for a long while. I’m not suicidal. I just think about swallowing all my pills, a lot. I’m not suicidal. I’m just tired. -Eos FUUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKING FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCKITY FUCK FUCK FUCK I WISH HE WOULD JUST GO THE FUCK AWAY AND STOP FUCKING FLIRTING WITH ME AND STOP WITH THE LOVING ME AND SHIT AND JUST LIKE SEE THE SIGNS WHICH I KNOW HE DAMN WELL CAN AND JUST FUCKING STOP IT AND SHIT AND MAKING ME FEEL BAD CAUSE FUCK WHY DO YOU LOVE ME? DON’T FUCKING LOVE ME FOR CHRIST SAKE! NOBODY SHOULD LOVE ME! AND I HAVE TO DEAL WITH SUICIDAL PEOPLE ON TOP OF THAT AND PEOPLE WHO REFUSE TO GET HELP AND THEY MAKE ME WANT TO SHAKE THEM AND CRY AND JUST SCREAM AND FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK IS ALL I HAVE BEEN SCREAMING IN MY FUCKING HEAD TODAY FUCK IF I DON’T GET THIS SHIT UNDER CONTRL NEX WILL COME BACK OUT FUCK *breathes* ….He’s already slipping through. god damn it. I’m just so tired. I have homework. Fuck life.
Psych testing…
This week…I go in for psych testing. I’m happy and scared. Happy because I’ll get some answers. Scared of what the answers will be. I have named yet another. Nex. Nex is a combination of Eos, Lillith and Irritus. Nex does not care who he hurts, he just wants to hurt all. He wants all to suffer under his wrath. He feeds off of fear and likes the screams. He has been here before just never with a name. He’s shown his wrath on many occasion. But now…he’s fully here…not in full power, though. I won’t let him. I can’t let him. I hope I’m not “crazy.” For naming them and seeing some of them in human form but it’s the only way I can make sense of things. -Johniece. |
This is my blog. I use it to babble my incoherent thoughts, talk about my shitty life. This is my therapist, well one of them. My name is Eos, nice to meet you. By the way, do not pity me. I simply want to vent.
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